For someone as into music as myself, it was no small wonder that I had never been to the great city of New Orleans, especially for an event such as Jazzfest. And it did not disappoint. All told, we probably caught something in the neighborhood of two dozen bands, including at the festival, at various clubs around the city, at various riverboats coasting parallel to the city, and especially on the streets of the city itself. Ironically, Phish was not the best music we heard all weekend. Ironically, we left Santana early to see Public Enemy (and it could have been the best call we made all weekend). And most ironic of all, some of the best things we heard were not music at all. So without further adieu.. the top 10 things overheard at Jazzfest 2014.
10. "I wonder if this hotel has a business center?"
- LD
Not something I normally hear on vacation. Especially from someone in my party. That's when I knew, dayum, we are getting old. I thought Nola was the land of NO responsibilities? This is The Big Easy, is it not?
But I digress... Day One. Before we'd even had a drip of alcohol. Just getting to the our hotel, the "historic" Prince Conti... deep in the heart of the French Quarter. Hey, it was my first time there right?
A few steps from the corner of Conti & Bourbon, close enough to the madness that you can smell it (you know that smell, right? If you've never been to Nola just think "Chinatown Alleyway." Any Chinatown will do). Anyway, tending to a work crisis back at home, LD was already planning something big for the next morning.... an early AM conference call!! Wooey! Dayum, we are getting old.
Fast forward a mere 48 hours later, and LD could be heard saying...
9. "Our new name is the Old Pussies"
- LD
Yes, in just 48 short hours we'd become completely unraveled. Not because of over-drinking mind you. Because of under-drinking.. and bad oysters. Our first day in town we had Oyster dishes at two well-known, well-respected restaurants. I won't name names just to protect whichever establishment isn't to bla--- just kidding. The first one was the historic Casamentos Restaurant in the Uptown area of Nola. This was a place we had actually researched online before our trip, and read only amazing things. Like it was "not your run of the mill touristy spot", it was "the REAL New Orleans".... The Yelpers neglected to tell is it was also a spot "that you had to cut through the kitchen in order to get to the bathroom." No, seriously... this is a picture I took on my back from the bathroom.
Perhaps I should have checked that out before I ordered the Gumbo...
I do have to admit, it was delicious....
In addition we ordered two Fried Oyster Loafs. Which also looked, and tasted amazing. (Not pictured as mine was not on my plate long enough to get its photograph taken.)
So, was it Casamentos? T'would be strange for us both to randomly get a bad oyster in our individual sandwiches. I've eaten a lot of oysters in my day, with a lot of people, and I've never seen any one of them get a bad one. What are the odds we both got one in two different sandwiches? In their defense we saw a delivery guy bring in a literal truck full of fresh oysters during our meal. Several dolly's worth...
Man that pic made me so much more excited as I was taking it....
So, does this mean we got the tail end of the fresh batch from the week before? Did we get the ass end of a huge pot of Gumbo that had been sitting on the stove for a week? Did the "chef" put his hand in his ass before making our sandwiches? Should I have realized seeing a store full of the dolls from Spaulding's room from AHS: Coven on our way to the restaurant... was a bad omen?
These are questions we'll never have the answer to, but still..
Suspect #1: Cassaments. Probability? Likely.
Suspect #2.. Cochon. A classier, upper-end joint. Apparently, the name means "Pork." We still ordered Oysters. But just the "Wood Fired Oyster" appetizer. What does "wood fired" mean? Not exactly raw, not exactly cooked, not exactly a good idea either way. (Although, of course, they were delicious). We also ordered a lot of amazing dishes, including the pork bellies, pork cheeks, and pork ribs...hey, it's called "Cochon," right..
Whoever the culprit, it quickly took us out of commission, with LD throwing up that night, and me almost passing out on my feet on the way to the bathroom (although in their defense...I may or may not have done that before... )
8. "That was the greatest Port-O-Potty experience of my life."
-Yours Truly
Despite the setback, we soldiered on through the festival on Friday. LD lived up to her new nickname..
We caught some classic Nola style Brass Bands ...
... gave a shout out to my ancestors with the New Orleans Klezmer All-Stars (our 2nd band of the weekend that included Stanton Moore) ...
... and I carefully treaded the line between "wow, this Coors Light is refreshing" and "wow, I think I am going to throw up."
It's on a day like this that you appreciate a good Port-O-Potty experience. There I was, waiting in line in front of a sea of them. It's like one giant game of Russian Roulette. You must choose, but choose wisely. You never know what's waiting for you on the other side. So, the door in front of me opens, and a young lady walks out. Looks nice enough. No dreadlocks or armpit hair. She holds the door open for me as I enter. I, of course, already have my T-shirt up over my mouth and nose, just in case. But when I walk in ... nothing! This girl had put the seat down for me, so I didn't even have to look into the belly of the beast. And let me tell ya, having been to my fair share of music festivals, I have seen some shit go down in those toilets (pun intended). I've seen shit climb up! Literally! A pyramid of toilet paper and feminine hygiene projects poking its head through the seat like that thing in the garbage compactor in star wars...
But not this time. The top lid was shut tight, and the men's urinal on the side was almost bone dry! It wasn't clogged and backed up, with chunks of TP floating in urine like some rank bowl of egg drop soup (your welcome for striking that from your menus ; )
Hence, I walked out of a Port-O-Potty full relieved, almost refreshed. A crucial turning point in the weekend...And no, don't worry, I didn't take any pictures of the inside.
7. ((Three Way Tie/Public Enemy))
7-A) "This Ain't No Hologram" - Chuck D
Since this was quickly becoming a weekend of doing the unexpected, we made the tough call of leaving Santana's set early, to catch Public Enemy. This is always the problem at these festivals as tough decisions will need to be made... but it turned out to be one of the best calls we made all trip. First off, Santana came out on fire. He opened with Toussaint L'Overture, then went right into Black Magic Woman (the ultimate Nola song) > Gypsy Queen > Oye Como Va. Straight heat off the top from Carlos. We also caught a Guajira (my favorite Santana tune and one of my favorite basslines of all time). Then he decided to slow it down with "Maria, Maria." We were already planning on leaving early, but this seemed like the prefect time to hit it. We made our way over to the Congo stage just in time for Public Enemy's opener. LD had asked me what P.E. song I wanted to hear the most.. without hesitation I said, "911 is a joke." I mean, it doesn't get any more P.E. than that.
Sure enough, as we approached the stage, we heard the opening notes and I knew it was on. Had no idea what to expect since rap shows can either be awesome, or really bad. These guys killed it. They had a live band just shredding the entire time. They busted all the classics including one I totally forgot about, "He Got Game." I may even have to add some of the dancing soldier's moves to my repertoire.. stay tuned. Anyway, with all due respect to Tupac, this was not no Hologram.
7-B. "Some of us still have our slave names" - Flavor Flav
Clearly, he was not talking about himself. No, he was talking about Chuck D's mom! Yes, it was apparently her birthday and they brought her out for a bow. I forget hold they said she was, but it was fuckin old. So, do they sing her happy birthday? No, they introduce her as Mrs. Ridenhour. Which is when Flav took the opportunity to make fun of Chuck Douglas Ridenhour and his momz.
Yeahhhh Boyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
7-C "Don't be a dumb M-F with a smart-ass phone" - Chuck D
Yep. He still got it.
(Editor's note: He did indeed say "M-F" and not "Motherfucker." It was after all a family friendly environment. Clearly we do not have that problem here at TDS, motherfuckers)
And while we're here...
6. "Maybe I should get a shirt that says: I practice public milk extraction" - LD
Under The Nursing Tree
Yup. Back to those dang responsibilities again. And once again, gotta give some props to LD. She not only powered through The Oyster Flu, as we dubbed it, but she kept up with her pumping schedule for our little man. While he was back at home having a grand old time with his DeeDee, his mom was making sure he'd be well fed when we got back. Whether it be at our Nursing Tree near the Fais-Do-Do stage, or on the concern field itself during the Rebirth Brass Band set. As luck would have it, Rebirth had a new album coming out that very day at Jazzfest (and so as not to leave it to luck, they kept reminding us of this fact over and over again), but anyway, they were also filming the music video for the new single. And the idea was that the audience would take a 10 second clip of the song, and upload it with the hash tags #RebirthBrassBand #MoveYourBooty
Here was my contribution, with one small modifier.. can't wait to see if this makes it into the official video.. stay tuned..
#RebirthBrassBand #MoveYourBooty #PumpYourBoobies
5. "This is New Orleans. We gonna climb it till we get to the climax!" -Treme brass band
Yes, Rebirth wasn't the only Nola institution we made sure to check out. We also caught a bit of the Treme Brass Band set in the Economy Hall Tent, which actually proved to be the most consistent source of fire at the whole festival. This was where bands marched through the crowd with their horns, followed by people with umbrellas, knee-high socks, and crazy hats. This was where the music really brought us back from the brink and where LD was actually able to stand up and dance for the first time in over a day. And incidentally, it was the perfect warm-up for a little band called, The Phish.
After TBB we made our way to the main stage and got ready for the boys (We caught the tail end of Anders Osborne, which was about what I expected). They came out strong, playing Kill Devil Falls (exactly as I predicted..obv) And they kept the energy high for the entire first set. But that was perhaps part of the problem. Being given the longest slot ever at Jazzfest (3 hours) the wide-eyed speculation among our area was that they might play for three hours straight? If that's the case, all bets are off! Special guests, long jams, crazy covers! Anything was possible.. Then they played "The Line", "Character Zero" and took a break. "The Line" woulda been great, if I was in the gospel tent.
The Line. Not the worst song on Wingsuit.
Now, don't get me wrong. We had a great time during their 2 sets. Seeing Phish anywhere, especially at Jazzfest is always amazing. We made new friends in our area, got down with our bad selves, and caught a couple nice jams (DWD in particular, which Ironically had a nice little "the Line" jam in it). But, it was still "Festival Phish", which is to say, not quite like the real thing. Perhaps it was the fact that the entire show was during daylight, which not only makes for a weird vibe, also eliminates CK-5 and the entire light show. Although, mother nature provided some dazzling displays of her own..
Can never complain when you're seeing Phish. But that doesn't stop us Phisheads from trying..
Further adding to the strangeness, we had to leave during the Hood (my favorite Phish song) in order to get to the Riverboat show on time. The boat was supposed to leave at 9pm sharp, and sail until 11, so there was no getting there late. Another of these tough decisions you have to make at Jazzfest, and another that turned out to be a great call, as that show on the Riverboat was the best set of music we saw all weekend. The lineup consisted of Oteil Burbridge (ABB) on bass, Ivan Neville (Ivan Neville) on Keys and Vocals, Eric Krasno (Soulive) and Roosevelt Collier (The Lee Boys) on Guitars, the TAB horns on horns and vocals, and of course, Nola mayor, Stanton Moore on drums (Galactic). They played a scorching two-hour set, mostly helmed by Ivan, with all sorts of Nola classics, and a smoking rendition of Cisco Kid. Definitely a great show and one of those times where our pre-planning paid off.
The morale, as always: expectations. We had zero expectations for Public Enemy and they blew our minds. Had (perhaps unreasonably) high expectations for Phish (as always) and they kinda, sorta, maybe, almost disappointed (that's as close as you will get to me ever saying anything bad about them.. and perhaps a tad strong. Phish: It's always a good decision. Even when Robert Plant is apparently one stage over and playing a set of all Zeppelin). Didn't know what to expect from the Riverboat show and we were once again blown away. So it goes.
4. "That's the funny thing about black music in the 70's" - Random dude.
Overheard this as we were walking in the opposite direction at the fairgrounds, and it was killing us all weekend. What?!?! WHAT IS IT!? What's the funny thing about black music in the 70's. If you find out, please let us know.
3. "That's how cowboy get herpes" - LD
This, we do have the answer to, but I will leave that up to your imagination. Submit your guesses below, and the winner will receive something precious. My respect and adoration.
2. ((Two Way Tie/Random Shady Dudes))
2-A) "I got a horn, wanna hear?" - Shady Dude #1
Sunday night, post festival, RB and I returning to our hotel when a car blows its horn up ahead. We shake it off, and keep walking. Suddenly, we see a shady dude walking towards us. Looked kidna like he came to Nola for Phish in '96 and never left.. kinda like he was one of the Bushwackers... you remember them, right?
So, a guy who looked kinda like that is walking towards us and goes, "I got a horn, wanna hear?" And out of nowhere, he pulls a fog horn out of his ass and blows it in our face. Yup, only in New Orleans.
2-B) "When I was in school, my teacher told a Mexican midget: 'you too small to be an essay' " - Shady Dude #2
Another random dude walking by us that night. And no, I didn't get a good look at him, because, well, duh.
1. "We can make a rape pic in the ass happen... might not even have to post it on facebook" - (Name Redacted)
Yup. Only in New Orleans.
Editor's note: No, it's not yours truly. I would definitely own up to something that epic. Also for the record, it was not the nice old lady sitting on her porch outside the Festival Exit, or as I called her, "The Guardian of the Beads"
Yawl come back now, ya hear?
-Z
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